Wanna Porn and Kiss a Tit?

(or how to get many Google matches…)

Warning: Here comes a very long post about one aspect of my life in Thailand. For those of you who don’t give a damn about phonetics and Thai names, don’t worry, there’s a part about Porn in there as well. So you shouldn’t be disappointed!

I spent two years of my life working in Bangkok. Two very interesting years where I experienced various states of happiness, immense culture shock and total disbelief. But this will be the topic of a future post. What I’d like to focus on today is what is in a Thai name.

Thais have the longest and most complicated names in the world. To give you an example, open a Bangkok telephone book and it won’t be uncommon to find exotic but unpronounceable names such as: Uraiwan Chiwitkilliprongpang or Wittawit Chulapornkhlongtram. Add to this difficulty, the fact that Thai, like many other Asian languages, is a tonal language. This means that a word can mean up to 5 different things depending on how you pronounce the vowels, either in a flat, rising, falling, high or low tone. For example a word could mean anything from woman to horse / shrimp to happy depending on those deadly tones. Therefore, when you say something like: “Mr. Chulapornkhlontram, could we start the meeting at 8?” perhaps what you will actually say to a trained Thai ear is “Mr. Shrimp-face-anal-fart” can we start the meeting at 8?”.

Thais are friendly people and will not get offended by that as they know most speakers of Indo-European languages do not make any difference between tones. They will just laugh at you very much using very nasty nasal sounds that will make you feel like a total idiot. That’s all.

If the Thais regularly make fun of us trying to pronounce their names, they are fortunately happily unaware of what their sons and daughters’ names mean to an English-speaking ear. My friends and I would spend time laughing at the people’s names. (I know it’s not nice to laugh at people but since most people laugh at my nationality around the world, I thought I was allowed to). Here is a list of real Thai names that sound cute to a Thai person but quite odd to anyone else:

Ngarmpit, Turdsak, Kisatit…

And then you also have the …Porn variations :

Wannaporn, Titiporn, Pinkyporn, Wannatit, Supaporn, Pornthip, Sasiporn, Tanaporn etc…

Thai names are long and impossible to pronounce but the Thais, of course, do not have any trouble pronouncing them. In spite of that, they would agree with us that they are very long. So since it is very warm in Thailand and as warmth makes people lazy, Thais are very lazy people (which suited me perfectly well btw, although they are not quite as lazy as I am). Therefore they will try to find nicknames to everybody in order to avoid the long official names.

Thai nicknames usually have a meaning. Parents will often opt for a nickname as soon as their baby is born depending on what the kid looks like at birth or an aspect of his/her little personality. Many parents favor English sounding names, as the latter are more international and do include a somehow trendy factor.
Let me give you a few names of the people I met in Thailand and let’s see if you can picture what these people looked like when they were born:
Apple, Rabbit, Junk, Chubby, Chunky, Baboon, Banana, Michael Jackson, Soda, Beer, Pee-Pee, Pooh, Eye, Mud, Peng-Win, Ice-Cream, High, Top, Menthol, Mint, Cinnamon, Bam-Bam, Boss, Meow, Ball, Nut, Nudie, Soot, Bee, Hello, CNBC, Bit-Nee (Thai for Britney), Horny (the one who has horns), … These are real names, I know it’s hard to believe but these are the names people use at home, at work, basically all the time except on official documents. Thais are usually unaware of what their best friend’s real name is, they would just know the official nickname, that’s all. And you may tell them what their name means, they will smile and just say: Well of course, that’s what I looked like when I was born!

And then you also have the nicknames that mean something in Thai but that are just sounds to us.

A few of my colleagues were named: A, Oo, Aow, Eow, Ee, Ing, Yeow… The problem with these names are the tones again. Two of my colleagues were named Oo. One with a rising tone (pronounce as if you said “Eew” in a surprised manner), the other one was Oo with a high tone (pronounce as if you suddenly got scared and said “ew” in a sissy kinda way).
Oo with a high tone was the photocopy girl, her full-time job was to make copies, she mastered the copy machine like no one else and wouldn’t let anyone come near it. However, Oo with a rising tone was one of the receptionists, she had big front teeth and small eyes and you wonder why her parents didn’t call her “Rat” at birth.
First, whenever I would call rising-tone-Oo, well high-tone-Oo would appear and vice versa. Secondly, whenever you would utter to yourself something like “eeeew, what is that?”, then one of them would show up (depending on your excitement afflicting the tone).

I was really happy when they fired high-tone-Oo because she had started some business on the side, copying whole books on the company’s photocopy machine. She was soon replaced by low-tone-Bee. This made everything much simpler for me.

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19 Responses

  1. This thing with names can be very funny..or words in general. My name means camel in some parts of the world. And it took me many trips there before I understood that the reason for people to smile when I said my name was not because it was a name of a beautiful flower (as they so very kindly tried to make me belive)..it was because I was a taned smiling camel..haha..

    By the way.. Care for some mannagrynsgröt? 😉

  2. Sounds all far too confusing for me!

    ARe you doing things to your colours and template at the moment? Things are wobbly and some things not readily visible.

    Want some help? With the changes, I mean. 😉

  3. no am not! what does it look like now?

  4. Much the same; some bits are too dark , such as the comments link so not very easy to read. And what are those anchor shapes on thr right side?

    Frog le geek is not such a techie geek!

  5. I loved the Thai names with Porn in them! How TRENDY!

    It’s times like this I wish I had kids to name!

  6. So the Thais are lazy but not as lazy as you, huh? I wonder if I will ever find a nation of people as lazy as me….

    ps. Can we have a proper porn post now?

  7. Micke you must finish that post about you in the Navy! And the commander who would stroke the back of your head! I still can’t get that out of my mind!

  8. Rob, if you want someone to stroke your head, I’m more than happy to oblige!

    And, yes, mick, hurry up with that navy post.

  9. This post has been removed by the author.

  10. Apparently, nobody cares about discovering new and interesting cultures, habits, cross-cultural experiences, linguistics, traveling… the only things you care about are sex and drugs!!! You know there are tons of sites for that folks. Next time, instead of working my ass off to write something interesting that you didn’t know about, I’ll just post a pic of some naked guy with some big schlong and you’ll be happy!

    Rob: If you had kids, which porn name would you choose? By the way what is your porn-star name?

    Ms. Mac: Welcome to my comment box, I’m a big fan of yours! You don’t seem to be lazy at all judging from your ambitious blog!
    What is your porn name?

    Skandinaviennova: Thanks for being the only one who shared your not-only-interested-in-porn-input, although you are Swedish and I know how dirty-minded you people are! Sniskiga allihopa! ;-)So what is your porn-star name?

    Nomad: You can be so reluctant sometimes. But what is your porn-star name?

    All: Navy post is coming up soon

    To make you happy, I’ve looked up on the Net what your female porn star names would be (if you all had the talent of course and if you were all women!)

    Reluctant Nomad: AssLee Bendover
    Rhino75: Jenny Jiggles
    Rob7534: Tasty Treats
    Ms. Mac: Gloria Hole
    Skandinaviennova: Little Miss Muff
    Mickelino: Sandra Spreadum

    Otherwise I hear you can build up your porn name by taking your first pet name and add your mother’s maiden name. In that case, mine would be:
    Minou Duccini (pretty hot uh?)
    How about you?

  11. Please stop pouting and sulking micke – we DO love your posts about strange and different places but it’s YOUR fault for dangling that carrot about your days in the Navy (IN THE NAVY!)!!

    I thought you meant the pet maiden name thingy for porn name when you asked for it. Is there another way of finding out apart from going through one’s likes and fetishes?

    Mine would be Stinker Hooper. Um, yes, true! Not so sure that it would attract the punters apart from the scatmen.

    Yours sounds like a French Vietnamese tart. Is that what you really are?

  12. I’m Snowy Hind-Lee. I think that HAS to be an ageing porn star, doesn’t it? ;((

  13. Call me Jeff Stryker #2, although Tasty Treats does have a nice ring to it… I’ll think about it.

    What’s your Drag Name Micke?

    Every gay man I know (whether he does drag or not) has a Porn Name and a Drag Name. Just for shits and giggles.

    In fact, that is my Drag Name, if I did Drag (which I don’t cause I’m lazy) Shits NGiggles.

  14. I feel I should tell people too just how EXCELLENT your impersonation of your Thai boss is. I still laugh just thinking about it!! You should definitely record it and attach it to this post (though I don’t quite know how you do that…)

  15. He’s gone quiet again!

  16. No I’m not quiet, I’m just gone. Just came back from Prague, busy, busy, busy. Will be back very soon!

  17. I just love it when you talk dirty. You french lovers, I tell you just make me feel all dirty. Oh that was because I was cleaning behind the dryer, silly me. Thanks for dropping by their buddy. Come back and see me sometime big fella!

  18. OMG! I feel quite honoured that you’ve taken the time to get me a porn name!

    Although, the one I heard was to take your pet’s name and the name of the first street you lived on and in that case my porn name is Goldie Savage which is definitely my favourite so far!

  19. […] I should know that this doesn’t work though as I tried it before in previous posts: Insulated picnic bags and ugly cunt or Wanna porn and kiss a tit? or For a while I was a pedophile priest but which brought nothing but perverts who didn’t even read my posts alternatively my mother who asked to have a serious talk with me. But let’s try again. […]

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