Crap Story Teller

Characters: A Frog and his 3 year old nephew

Time: Bedtime, a few weeks ago.

Subject: I insist to tell him a bedtime story. I am the only one convinced of my bedtime-story-telling art. That’s what it sounded like…

Me: Once upon a time there was a little girl…

Nephew: (interrups me abruptly) Did she have a Wii?

Me: no she didn’t. She lived many years ago and there was no Wii at that time.

Nephew: (sad look expressing genuine empathy for the afore mentioned little girl): oh!

Me: So once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a very cold country. There was a lot of snow on the trees and big white bears in the woods. The place was called…

Nephew: the North Pole!!!

Me: How do you know about the north pole? You’re only 3!

Nephew: Duh! That’s where Santa lives.

Me: Oh well, of course, I should’ve thought about it.

Nephew: Duh!

Me: That little girl lived by herself in a big orange house on the top of a hill covered with snow.

Nephew: A house can’t be orange. It’s impossible. And the little girl can’t live on her own or she will be very naughty. So where are her mommy and daddy? (scared look on his little face)

Me: (thinking, oh shit the parents, I forgot the parents and the kid is freaking out) Well, her parents were gone on a long trip to a very warm country.

Nephew: That’s impossible, her parents can’t leave her alone at home or she will be very naughty.

Me: Yes so that’s why she decided to travel to the very warm country to find them. So she went to the port to take a boat.

Nephew: Why didn’t she take a plane?

Me: Well, at that time, there were no planes, only boats.

Nephew: NO PLANES!!!!! but how did she go on holiday then?

Me: She didn’t go on holiday because she was very poor, you see.

Nephew: Oh!

Me: So, whatever, she went to the port to find a boat that would take her to the warm country.

Nephew: What is the name of that warm country?

Me: Er… it was er… Egypt.

Nephew: Why not Benin? (His Dad does volunteer work with Benin, that’s why he’s heard about it)

Me: Well, not exactly Benin, but not far.

Nephew: So it’s another Benin then.

Me: yes, let’s say so.

Nephew: Was the little girl eaten by a crocodile there?

Me: Er… of course not, she hasn’t even arrived there yet.

Nephew: (Getting impatient) Ok, so let’s say that she arrives there now. Is she eaten by a crocoldile? Like that? (he opens his little mouth and imitates a crocodile chopping off an imaginary little girl’s head.

The hope of finally getting some action in this neverending story makes him smile.

Me: No, she doesn’t get eaten by a crocodile.

Now he’s really disappointed

Nephew: So is she very hungry after the trip. What does she eat in the other Benin?

Me: Well, she climbs a coconut tree, picks a coconut and eats it.

Nephew: That’s impossible, coconuts are in yoghurts, not on trees.

Me: Well, coconut actually grows on trees before getting into your yoghurt.

He looks at me, his facial expression and his sceptical look says “moron”.

Me: So anyway, she starts looking for her parents and…

Nephew: Ok, can I sleep now?

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17 Responses

  1. I don’t think your a bad storyteller, since after all the point of telling a story is to make someone fall asleep!

  2. I don’t know about the story you tried to tell your nephew, but I loved this story.

  3. Thank you for putting a smile on my face. You just made by day.

    Incidentally, I agree wholeheartedly with Victoria.

  4. “A house can’t be orange. It’s impossible.”

    Yep, that kid’s definitely French. 😉

  5. […] How to tell a 3 year old a story… […]

  6. Gotta love the logic of a 3-year old. ROFL!

  7. Good ideas come from small nephews! I’m going to start using “OK, can I sleep now?” at meetings.

  8. Trust me, you’re much better at telling stories than me — at least you gave it a shot! I don’t think i’d even GO there, just don’t have the imagination for it I guess. The little one would fall asleep waiting for me to come up with something…

    As a matter of fact, this is something I worry about because if I ever have to invent stories for my own Little Bean, I’ll probably be in TROUBLE! Which is why I’m planning on leaving that duty to my sweet compagnon… That, and having LOTS of good children’s books on hand so I don’t have to invent stories of my own!

  9. Wôt? Coconuts grow on trees?

  10. Well, the kid wanted action in the story and you didn’t deliver it. But you will just have to take him on holiday to the Caribbean where he can see orange houses.

    But you achieved the point of telling him a story, he went to sleep.

  11. LOL, that’s just so funny and cute…although I would have told the three year old to be quiet and listen to the story. ;-p

  12. …no! You’re going to stay awake and listen to this story I made for you! Stay awake! 🙂

    This should be an episode of FWaB-TV.

  13. Coconuts grow on trees? Don’t be silly you get them from supermarkets….

  14. can you c’mon over and tell my bunny-rabbit a bed time story. he loves stories….

  15. LMAO. Trop marrant. There is visibly no way to tell a story, these days.

    By the way, next week, I’ll be in…. BENIN. I’ll send you some yogurt-tasting coconut.

  16. Last time I started to tell a 3-year-old a story, he put up his hand and said, ‘Did I tell you that you could say anything?!’

    Then he inserted his finger into his nose and stared off into space.

  17. BRAVO!
    YOU’RE SURELY GIFTED AND HAVE A NICE NEPHEW.MY 3YR OLD SON CHRISTIAN[TIAN] WOULDN’T LET ME GO BEYOND THE FIRST SENTENCE.WE WOULD END UP GETTING PHYSICAL IN DISAGREEMENT

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