Hard & Highly Chemical Drugs, please. (sciatica week 3)

Honestly, do you know what sciatica is? I ask, looking at her, showing with my eyes that I know she’s going to say something stupid. I feel safe patronizing her as she is the apartment building’s official racist bitch.

It’s like diarrhoea, isn’t it? She answers, waving something away with her hand as if something smelled really bad. Did you catch it in Africa?

I’m in the stairwell, talking to my first floor neighbor. I’m struggling to climb the stairs, walking like a duck. She is at least 125 years old and should know what sciatica is. Don’t all old people suffer from it? I smile politely and tell her that I’d be walking up the stairs much more quickly if it were diarrhoea.

But why do I bother to talk to people about my killing sciatica when everybody has a different suggestion on how to cure it?

You should go to a physiotherapist, said C yesterday. I know the best one in Paris. He hardly touches you, he just looks at you and talks to you. To that I answer that it sounds great but I’d be better out with some very hard & highly chemical drugs instead.

You should go to my Kiné, said K an hour later. He manipulates you in all directions, then you leave feeling like it hurts even more but 4 days later you get better. To that I answer that it sounds great but I’d be better out with some very hard & highly chemical drugs instead.

No, the only thing that works is a Magnétiseur, said H. He uses all sorts of magnets and finds the source of the pain. It works wonders. It’s the only thing that works against sciatica. To that I answer that it sounds great but I’d be better out with some very hard & highly chemical drugs instead.

No need to look for the source of the pain. Said J. As it’s all in your head. If you decide to get better, you will. Try instead to look for the real reason why you are in pain. What were you trying to escape when it happened? To that I answer that it sounds great but I’d be better out with some very hard & highly chemical drugs instead.

Now, I’m surrounded by friends and they all have a theory while I am stretching in the sofa. For lifting my leg up is the only position that relieves the pain. But as you can see in the picture below, I can’t possibly be taken seriously when looking like this. I still don’t know what I should do or what kind of doctor I should see. But I’m sure you all have a theory about that. Let us hear it then. In the meantime, as I can’t stretch my right leg like this at work, I’ll be suffering in silence, begging for hard & very chemical drugs.

UPDATE: thank you all for the precious advice left in the comment box! 

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23 Responses

  1. Um, you want my chiropractor’s number? 😉 Take it easy.

  2. I have no theory whatsoever, just my thoughts!
    Hope you get your hard and highly chemical drugs soon though. Three weeks? Dang!

  3. Start by going to your normal doctor and getting some extra-strong painkillers and possibly some steroids too. That’ll make it easier to bear the pain. Just go, it takes 30 mins max. As for the rest, my doctor told me there’s nothing you can do really, you just have to wait for the muscle to stretch back. Courage!!

  4. One of your well meaning friends sounds like a Scientologist. If he asks you to hold some cans and then asks where you keep your cheque book, I’d take your sciatica and run.

  5. It’s kind of a drastic measure, but my MIL (and yes, I can call her that) had surgery a few years back for her sciatica, and she hasn’t had any problems since then…

  6. Darling, get thee to a doctor and treat the symptoms with the H&HCD first, to alleviate the pain. Then you can go deeper with some of the therapies already suggested to you depending on what your inclination is, so hopefully it won’t come back. Personally I found chiropractic adjustments helped me a lot, but you’ve been in pain long enough and while I don’t choose the drugs as the first course of action myself, if I were in your shoes (foot in the air or not) I’d be begging for the Percocet by now. It’s been long enough – see the doctor.

  7. All of the above, and a big sloppy kiss from me. That’s bound to do the trick!

  8. Sounds like you need to go back to MK2, Froggy…

  9. Sciatica is no joke at all, I know. Remember when I hurt my hip? I’ve had it on and off since then. The only thing that has helped me is a heat bag, I live with, pretty much and hardcore drugs. Then again, I think when I take the pain meds, I just don’t care as much but that’s cool too. I hope you feel better, real soon, it is very painful, this I know.
    It’s my blogoversary and I briefly, wrote about you. Know that you are loved, ok? Squeeze (gently) and kisses!

    Frog TV

  10. Thank god my computer is so damn slow and I can’t see the picture of you in what I imagine to be some strange position, usually seen only in adult films. Otherwise I’d need some hard & highly chemical drugs! Seriously though, honey. Am sorry to hear you’re in such pain. Still, at least it’s not the vagina!

    xxx K

  11. Is there anyone besides one person who comments who has actually suffered from sciatica… so bad it feels like a rat knawling at your ASS 24/7?? I herniated a disk in my low back and had the leg sciatica infrequently but had the ASS sciatica 24/7 for months! It SUCKED and I didn’t take ONE DRUG for it…. just once I took a Soma (muscle relaxer) ‘cuz I thought it would relax my muscles and hense ease the rat knawing on my ASS!!! No such luck…I slept for 3 hours and gave the bottle of Somas to a friend at work who liked them… Hey, I had a selective nerve root block in California- ONE only (a steriod shot + lydicane) and after about a week I had NO MORE ASS PAIN.. still had terrible back pain.. but that’s another chapter… Drugs will only lead you to more drugs among other bad stuff… I have a good massage therapist who puts oil all over you and rubs you down good… It’s Indian Massage… I can give the number… If you have any questions, I am almost an expert… Even my doctor back home didn’t like me ‘cuz I knew TOOO much and it made him look bad!! I can send you some websites if you’d like…. Good luck and get well… PS.. LOVE the pose of you on the sofa… How can you strike a pose like that in the pain you’re in???

  12. Correction to the previous comment I posted… I slept for 13 hours- not 3 hours… 3 hours would be nothing….

  13. Wow, you’re very bendy!

    I’ve never suffered from sciatica, but I do get a pinched nerve just above my shoulder blades from time and time, so if it’s anything like that, I can sympathize. I’m all for feeling better through chemistry, but you can’t get the good drugs unless you wobble your way to a doctor.

    I hope you get the good kick ass drugs very soon!

  14. Don’t want to discourage you but my husband was off work for 6 months with sciatica inspite of the painkillers. Eventually it just went away by itself: the doctor hadn’t a clue what to do except write the prescriptions.
    I do hope you find a cure soon – or at least a means of alleviating the pain.
    Wishing you well
    xx

  15. Dearest Frog – you obviously are not taking my advice. 🙂 I myself have Sciatica and found complete relief through yoga, massage and a visit to the chiropractor. Try it my friend. *KISS*

  16. I have had occasional bouts of sciatica since I was in my 20’s. Various things work for me. The way you sleep is really important. I normally sleep on my side. I have found that sleeping flat on my back with no
    pillow works the best. In order to do this I take muscle relaxants there are many, Soma works for me without side effects. There would be a French equivalant. Warm baths are also helpful as well as ice packs on the lower back. When mine has been really bad (it feels like someone is pounding an ice pick down my leg. I have also used a chiropractor and the previous writer is correct in that it sometimes gets a little worse before getting better. During my worst ever attack I was carried into the chiropractors office and walked out. Bon courage!

  17. The only thing that worked for me was a c-section. For some reason I doubt your sciatica is caused by a nine ton baby pushing on your spine, so highly doubtful that delivery will be of any help. Should you need a labour coach, though, let me know.

  18. I have sciatica so bad I would get stuck and couldn’t move, frequently screaming DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME to anyone offering help. Then I found a physical therapist, I was laying face down on the table and he pressed his thumb into my ass cheek and said does that hurt? If I could have jumped up and bitch slapped him I would have because hell yes it hurt.He showed me some stretches and poof. When it flares up I do them and it is gone. Seriously. Gone.
    Try this website for the Desk Stretch. If yours is caused by this muscle like mine is, the sweet agony of this stretch may make you cry because it hurts so good but once you have stretched it out (try to hold the stretch as long as you can and then ease in a bit more. It is excruciating and bliss at the same time. I do it on the back of the sofa, it is a bitch to get my foot up there but once I do it is so good. However if your problem is spine rather than muscle related this may not be the thing. http://www.alfredsmassage.com/sciatica.html

  19. once it has calmed down use stretching exercises. The problem probably starts in your lumbar vertebrae. Flat on your back pull your knees up to your chest and hold ,then do one at a time. Sit on your feet and stretch forward keeping your buttocks on your feet-as far as you can do all ten times each morning.

  20. I have also known the agony of sciatica. Nothing like it to make you feel you’re 2000 years old. I’m with the stretching/yoga group – the chiropractor works, but here in the ol’ Etats-Unis, insurance almost never covers the visits. Actually,looking at your picture, I suspect that if you hadn’t grabbed your toe and just kept your leg straight, that would work wonders – that stretch does for me.

  21. I suggest you get some drugs, but in the mean time, you might want to try ‘better off’ in place of ‘better out’.

    >_>

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