Where’s the camera?

The ever so misunderstood movie star that I am always looks for the light and the camera. Whichever instance in life, I believe that secretly I am being filmed. I promise. Some people would call it self-absorbness, others would say I suffer from severe paranoia, I say, you can never know when this big shot movie maker is going to find you and turn you into a movie star without you making a single effort. While many French people moan at the more and more widespread control cameras all over town, you’ll find me charmingly smiling at them, casually striking a Clint Eastwood pose in front of them. Just in case.

The other day as I was doing some very last minute Christmas shopping, I decided to go to a large DIY store in order to buy something for my DIY-expert brother in law.

The store is so big and as most things and tools there are completely unknown to me, I thought I’d ask a little shopping assistant to help me find a good present.

Do you also decide which sales-clerk you’re going to be asking your questions to? How do you choose them? Not too young? Not too blonde? I always go for the one who’ll look bitter. They are always the ones who know best and they are bitter because everyone asks them questions all the time. They feel they work much more than their colleagues and that they could’ve done something better in life, as they are smarter but therefore bitter.

So I chose my prey. A 55 year old man who walked quickly and looked desperate enough to be the smart screwdriver in the toolbox.

Me: Hello, You see, I’m looking for a nice little present for my brother in law. He’s very good at DIY and he already owns all possible tools. You know, I need something original, something one would not necessarily buy for oneself, but still would be happy to own.

Him: (looking at me, thinking “too much information”) All-right, what is your budget?

Me: Er… 50 euros approximately (thinking 30).

Him: The cheapest thing in my department is a radiator for 300€. Go ask that guy there instead.

(as he’s pointing at a short bald guy, he starts shouting) Jacques! Help this guy, who wants to buy a present.

Jacques: A present for me?

Me: yes of course, I’ve just met you and I really want to buy you a present… (thinking humor and Christmas shopping rush don’t go together)

Jacques: Well, for 50€, you can have one third of a chainsaw.

Me: ha ha, that is very funny…

Jacques: We also have nice lamps.

Me: No he’s not into decorating as much as he is into DIY you see.

Jacques: So buy him a book about Islam. He’ll like it.

Me: (…)

Jacques: Or a cook book. Cook books are fun.

Me: Oh I get it! You are totally pulling my leg, aren’t you? Now where’s the camera?

Jacques: Sorry, we don’t sell cameras.


Who knew they had such books in DIY stores. I fixed my hair, took my butchest walk, bought a cook book and left.


5 Responses

  1. I would gladly get behind a camera and film you – what fun! Sexy!

  2. ha ha ha – you are so funny…thanks for the DIY shopping tips..I have to pop along to Leroy Melin to find the right thingys to drill into dryboard walls..need to ask an expert..now know how to do it.

    I shall look out for the cameras too.


  3. LMAO, I bet you became a cebrity in their respective families/favorite bars and they keep mentionning that odd-funny-clueless guy who needed some technical advice for a cheap present. You made their holidays! 😀

  4. I get weird (paranoia will destroya) every now and then, feeling as if I’m being watched too. I guess it’s because I was at one point but not now. Is DIY a “do it yourself” store? Hope you had a good Christmas, my friend!

  5. Shop clerks are weird!

    PS: I hate spaniards…

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