The angry housewife in me

I’m not fussy really. I never clean, I never iron, I never do anything in my apartment but sleep, blog and watch TV. Consequently, I am no good housewife and nobody will ever want to marry me. However, I do turn into a ruthless & maniac housewife when I cook for friends. Having friends over for a little dinner is the best thing I know. I love it, love it, love it!

I come from a country where food is art and should be prepared and debated for hours and hours. Dinners take time and food can be discussed endlessly. The only problem with the French (yes there’s only one!) is that they usually love food as long as it’s French food, or at least relatively mild western cuisine. Anything else is unknown, scary or even worse: not worth trying.

Oral needs – a parenthesis
One other thing you should know is that I’ve had the chance to live and/or travel in many different places around the globe and unlike many of my French counterparts, culinary speaking, I’ve been exposed to lots of different cuisines, taste sensations (read between the lines, I’m much better than everyone else). Anything from biscuits & gravy for breakfast, piri-piri seasoned bobotie for lunch to killing spicy sea-cucumber for dinner. I love spicy food, well actually I just love food in general, well.. actually I just love everything that I can put in my mouth really (food, drinks, cigarettes, finger nails, people, words, etc…). I can eat anything, at any time, whether I’m already full or not. Any kind of food is interesting. For me, traveling always includes visits to different restaurants, reading menus for hours and buying local cookbooks.

Man with a plan

As the kitchen goddess I aim at being, I feel I have a mission on earth (I’m a goddess, remember), my mission is to reveal well hidden international culinary secrets to my fellow citizens who come to my little dinner parties.
Tough mission because it never works and I never learn.

Ok, I don’t always succeed, I often mess up and some of my dishes taste like genuine dog food, but still I do put an extra effort into it and at least one could appreciate learning something about the rest of the world. WHATEVER!

The last supper

Yesterday night, I had a few friends over. The theme of the night was: the Canary Islands. Did you know that behind the tacky clapping-charter-flight-destination-façade, a fantastic food culture hides. In the small houses hanging from the slopes of the vulcanoes, big Spanish hairy mamas prepare the Mojo for their numerous children and grandchildren. The Mojo is a very salty and spicy sauce that you should eat with very salty (extremely salty) potatoes (so salty, they actually get covered by a thin layer of salt after cooking, see pic above). It’s DE-LI-CIOUS even though the first taste can be daunting because of the salt. But as you eat it, your tongue and your taste buds get used to the salt and that’s the moment you discover the amazing taste of this Canarian specialty.
What you should know is: don’t cook this dish to people who just care for steak and fries.
What usually happens – another parenthesis
As the amazingly homey housewife that I am, I serve my guests by presenting the dish as if it were “a little something” I cooked quickly right before they got to my place while deep inside I spent 14 hours swearing “why the f### did I invite people again?”. I get haunted by the stress that they won’t like it or that they won’t eat it, or even worse that they will get sick and vomit on my Kelim carpet. After the guests have a first taste, I usually wait a few minutes (pretending that everything is normal and that I don’t give a shit about what they think) and then comes the verdict.
1)”Oh it’s really good!”
or
2)”Oh my God, this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my whole life!”
are both highly appreciated comments.
When I hear such compliments, I’ll just give a little shrug and a well rehearsed “oh, don’t exaggerate, it’s nothing really” while – deep inside – I experience a mini-orgasm.

The very last supper

Back to last night’s guests: they didn’t say anything and they didn’t eat anything. Had a little bite, said it was salty and continued playing with their forks and knives, making cling-cling sounds pretending there was some action going on in their plates. But they can’t fool Anal Annie! I had perfect control of the table situation and I knew no swallowing was taking place.
Finally, they said “well, you know, we weren’t really hungry “.
That’s all!
Ok, had it been disgusting, I would’ve understood, felt ashamed and hated myself for being so crap at cooking. But honestly, I thought what I’d made was purely orgasmic. (if I may say so…)
Shocking
So can you believe it? I mean, how rude is that? Just because something tastes different, does that mean you can’t give it a chance? I know that very salty food sounds scary but if the whole population of some Spanish islands like it, there must be a reason!
They didn’t get dessert.
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27 Responses

  1. Those undeserving fools. It sounds absolutly incredible and edible erotic and exotic.We are supposed to eat to live not live to eat but food,love and laughter are what makes life worth living. Take that away and what do you have? Are you sure you’re not my twin sister? I wish I was there and you could tell me all about it and I could try and savor it all.

  2. Exactly, you’re just inviting the wrong people. I have NEVER had a meal at your house that was less than delicious Micke (I have a particularly fond memory of some Asian-style prawn dish) and I love Spanish food!!

  3. Thanks Rhino, from now on I’m only inviting non-French people like you.

  4. Babs! I do think we are sisters! Now it all makes sense, my Mom has always mentioned this secret child in Virginia… but oh! I never believed her, but here you are Sis! Clearly, we’ve got the same boobs.

  5. Mickelino, you make me smile! But I was looking at your pic and I said to myself OMG we look so much alike. Your boobs are better though, still perky.The problem for me is my nipples get pinched in my belt, it’s just awful. Got any band-aids? Bye Sis!

  6. Micke, what info have you been passing on!

    I hate secrets!

  7. Rob, why are you so worried about that little secret? Do you think it’s about you? Well, I met with Rhino yesterday and he knows THE SECRET now and he did find it quite interesting, didn’t you Rhino?

  8. I certainly DID!!

  9. Speaking of culinary experiences….I haven´t been lucky enough to taste your cooking,Mickelino, but I can tell you one thing right away: your salty Canary Island potatoes definitely would beat a whole bunch of so called culinary dishes I´ve tasted (and I´ve tasted quite a few, now that I got a chance to boast..). And the worst experience that immediately pops into my mind is the Classic duck at La Tour D´Argent. My God, it was the worst kind of situation I´ve ever been in: The duck was soaked in blood sauce (the famous, historic dish of this place, that you just must try once in your life time..), squeezed and pressed out of the poor dead duckling, splashed over the piece of duckmeat and the entire plate. Just the sight of this brown reddish goop made you want to run to the bathroom, specially after a fun night in Paris the night before. It was so disgusting, so the only thing I could do was to move around the duck around the plate and make cling cling sounds with the tools as if I was eating and say politely to the ever so charming Claude Tarrail: “I wasn´t very hungry today…”.

  10. Oh fancy Sirpelina, you and your fabulous fancy trips to the different European capitals! I am so tempted to publish those decadent photos you sent from your stay at the Hôtel Crillon last year… I’m waiting for you to start a blog now!
    Sinä olet so fabulousalainen!

  11. Wait, I’m virtually wetting myself to go to the Tour d’Argent. Are you saying it’s not worth it? (I have, natch, already done Les Ambassadeurs at the Crillon, which was worth every penny, though the service was a teeny bit intrusive, I felt). Yours in fabulousness xxx

  12. What was it that you made? Canary Island salty potatoes? I want the recipe please. Of both things assuming it wasn’t the potatoes.

    When are you inviting them back for dinner?

  13. Oops, I should read properly but it’s not really my fault. For most of that entry, I had to highlight the text so that I could see it.

    And I still want the recipe.

  14. Yes, you guys are talking about me! I know it.

    Anyway Micke, darling, I love the idea of salted potato. I love potato any which-a way you can prepare it. Mashed, baked, fried, scalloped, it doesn’t matter, I’ll eat it!

    What was desert by the way?

  15. Oh, Rhino, I still recommend Tour D´Argent, but DO NOT take the bloody duck!! I did Les Ambassadeurs as well on the same trip, it was indeeeeed very enchanting.I would recommend Ledoyen next time you want to dine properly, or maybe Joel Robuchon, who already has 3 Michelin stars and opens shortly even in New York (very delicious). Or the star of the star chefs: Alan Ducasse at Plaza Athene – he never lets you down.
    And Mickelino – when it comes to my funny little photos – you ain´t seen nothing yet. I will start the blog anytime now, but I am such a busy woman these days. Ja sinä olet ihanampi…

  16. One more thing, a little request. I need to know what this purely divine French truffle soup that they serve in these eenie weenie bowls and cocktail glasses, often with quail eggs, is called?? It is soooo goood, and I just have to have the name. Help me please!

  17. I know I´m becoming a pain in the butt, but I forgot the most important thing I was supposed to do just today – to wish you a Happy Valentine´s Day. So here comes my big, moist kiss & loads of love!

  18. Rhino: I think you need a guest reviewer for a potential Tour d’Argent visit. Don’t you think?

    Nomad: Click on the word mojo in the post in order to get the recipe. Oh but hold on, I think it’s written in French… well then, that’ll be good practice for you Nomad!

    Sirpelina: can’t wait for your blog! Moist and torrid kisses back at you! When are you coming back to Paris? Sorry I can’t help with the quail/truffle soup. I’ll try to find out more about that.

    (vad fan betyder ihanampi?)

  19. Oh I forgot you Robbie dear! Dessert was chocolate mousse but I ate it all by myself… yum yum

    and Babs: I’m sure your breasts are less hairy than mine though!

  20. ummmm chocolate.

  21. I wonder what happens if I get Google or Babelfish to translate it? Will the recipe still work?

  22. Yes, do try that Nomad! Blogs are so funny when translated by Google. Sometimes when I’m bored and get the Google French translation of your blog and I just wet myself all night. It’s so much fun!

  23. I’m always open to guest reviewers!! I’ll keep ya posted…(just paid my taxes tonight – ouch)

  24. Ohhh.. How could they be so rude? I am picky when it comes to eating for many reasons… But when I am a guest I always eat and no matter if I liked it or not I say I do.. and I eat twice as much as I would do at home. That’s because I know how important it is for the hoast to hear that he/she is a godess in the kitchen. And I am even prepered to lie in order to make them happy 🙂 White lies don’t give you a black tounge so that kind of lie’s is okay!!

  25. You haven’t had Mojo until you’ve had CUBAN Mojo. We use it in a variety of dishes and it’s extra-tangy compared to the Spanish (original) version. Have you been to Miami? We’re the Mojo capital of the Western Hemisphere. 😉

  26. WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO COOK SO WELL ? YOU MUST HAVE A REMARKABLE MOTHER !!!!!

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